you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
