It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
