he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
it's like heaven, but drunker
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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