You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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