I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I looked at my own cervix.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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