Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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