Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
