Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
