so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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