i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
