i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
