I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
