there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
