hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
