i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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