I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
