running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
