If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
