I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
