You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
