awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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