Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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