He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
