I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
