The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
