Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
