Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
