yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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