Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
