funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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