I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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