take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
