i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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