So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
