This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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