Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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