saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
