Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
