You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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