My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
