I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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