I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
