were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
