Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
