I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
