i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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