I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
