i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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