but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
