i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
