remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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